HOLIDAY DREAD: A THERAPIST'S GUIDE TO NAVIGATING THE SEASON
The holiday season is often touted as the "most wonderful time of the year." Yet for many, the reality can feel far from festive. As the calendar flips to November and December, stress, anxiety, and a sense of dread can quietly start to creep in. Whether it’s the weight of social obligations, family dynamics, financial pressure, or the emotional challenges of the season, the holidays aren’t always as joyful as the advertisements promise.
If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone. As a therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how the pressure of holiday expectations can affect mental health, particularly for those of us who have recently experienced a loss, or trauma, or have a history of trauma.
Understanding Holiday Dread
Holiday dread can manifest in many ways—feeling overwhelmed by social obligations, financial strain, or the burden of unmet expectations. These feelings are often compounded by a sense of isolation or loneliness, especially for those who are grieving a loss or dealing with difficult family dynamics. The pressure to create the perfect holiday experience can intensify feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. In addition, stressors like financial strain, lack of time, food anxieties and past trauma can make the holidays feel like an overwhelming emotional and logistical minefield.
Perfectionism and Holiday Dread
Perfectionism is one of the most significant contributors to holiday dread. It often manifests as the desire to meet unrealistic standards—whether that’s decorating every inch of your home, finding the perfect gift for everyone on your list, or maintaining the illusion of a "happy" family gathering. The expectation to "perform" during the holidays can fuel feelings of anxiety and inadequacy, especially when things don’t go as planned.
SOCIAL COMPARISON
Do you spend time on Instagram or Facebook looking at everyone else’s beautiful family and friends and wish your life was just as happy? You can find yourself dwelling on the celebrations of others, even if you would hate those events if you were actually at them. It’s so easy to imagine everyone else surrounded by loved ones having the time of their lives. The holiday season tempts us to compare our lives to others. These social comparisons trigger cortisol that ruins your mood, even if you don't really want the life you see in others.
Strategies for Coping with Holiday Dread
Be Kind to Yourself
One of the first steps in managing holiday dread is acknowledging your feelings without judgment. Its common to experience guilt or shame for not feeling "joyful" during the holidays, but it's helpful to understand that there’s no right or wrong way to feel or be this time of year.
As a therapist, I always encourage clients to practice self-compassion during this period. This means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a loved one. If you're feeling overwhelmed, sad, or anxious, it’s okay to name those emotions and allow yourself space to feel them without adding layers of shame or self-criticism.
Remember that holidays are stressful for everyone. Emotions are changeable and every year is different. If something goes wrong, be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that in the present moment it is you who needs comfort the most. Be sensitive and gentle to yourself.
Manage Expectations
One of the most effective ways to reduce holiday dread is by managing your expectations. The idealized version of the holidays often creates an unrealistic standard of what the season should look like. This can lead to feelings of disappointment or frustration when things don’t happen in that way.
Recognize that things may not go as planned, and that's okay. Whether a family gathering is less than ideal or you’re unable to complete everything on your to-do list, practicing flexibility can help you stay grounded and reduce feelings of stress.
Try to create more realistic and achievable goals for the holiday season. Perhaps you allow yourself to skip a tradition that no longer serves you. By letting go of rigid expectations, you can cultivate a more authentic and peaceful holiday experience.
Lean on Your Support System
Having a support system in place before holidays is a vital step in helping you to deal with strong emotions. You cannot control your past trauma; however, you can take control by planning to have someone to talk to while visiting your family or friends or while you spend the holiday alone. First, acknowledge that reaching for help is not an act of weakness, it is a strength. Then assemble a list of people in your life that you can rely on in the moment of need. They may be your close friends who listen to you or a family member who understands and validate your mental and personal well-being. Plan to connect with them before and after holiday gathering, even for 5 to 10 minutes on the phone or in person. If you have a therapist try to book a pre and post-holiday appointment to discuss coping strategies.
Set Boundaries
Remember that you have a right to decide not to attend a holiday gathering without explaining why. If you believe that you will feel unsafe or triggered, you can set boundaries for yourself. You have the right to say no, change your mind or make choices that are right for you. If you still live with toxic people, this presents different challenges as saying no can bring more harm to you. Take control of your choices, know that you can use your voice to say no, set boundaries and have it be respected.
Holiday dread is a real and valid experience, and it’s important to approach it with compassion and self-awareness. By acknowledging your feelings, setting boundaries, managing expectations, and prioritizing self-care, you can reduce stress and cultivate a more peaceful holiday season. It’s also ok if things don’t go well. Embrace the season in a way that feels authentic and nurturing to you, and remember that it’s okay to seek help if you need it.
BEGIN THERAPY IN WESTCHESTER COUNTY THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
If the dread, lonliness, or anxiety feels overwhelming, it’s okay to seek help. You don’t have to navigate this alone, and reaching out to a therapist can provide valuable support. Therapy can offer coping strategies and a safe space to explore the emotions you’re experiencing. I would be happy to support you from my Westchester, NY-based counseling practice. I commonly see clients from Pleasantville, Chappaqua, Bedford, and Mt. Kisco, but I can see clients from anywhere in the state of New York. To start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:
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